The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

No one ever mistook the original Mummy movie for a masterpiece. The original Mummy serves its purpose as a fun, mindless action-filled flick. The Mummy II, with the Rock, suffered from sequel decay, but not nearly to the same degree as the subject of today’s post.

Ah, Tomb of the Dragon Emperor…where do I start?

Actually, it’s pretty easy to summarize this movie’s problems, in descending order of seriousness:

1)    The criminally lame dialogue and jokes

2)    Brendan Fraser’s disturbingly youthful appearance

3)    Magical mumbo-jumbo galore

Plot Summary

Rick and Evy O’Connell’s son, Alex, discovers the tomb of the evil Dragon Emperor, played by Jet Li. Rick and Evy (Brendan Fraser and Maria Bello, respectively) go to China to try to repair their damaged relationship with Alex (Luke Ford) and to see the tomb. Unfortunately, a Chinese general tricks the O’Connells into helping him bring the Dragon Emperor back to life. The O’Connells must band with two hot immortal Chinese women, Zi Yuan and Lin, to defeat the Emperor. Will they succeed in putting the Emperor back to rest? Will the audience survive the barrage of bad jokes?

Nutrition Facts

Vitamin B-Acting: 65%

Most of the acting is pretty standard for lame Hollywood action flicks. Evy’s brother Jonathan (John Hannah) bears most of the responsibility for any truly abhorrent acting. Jonathan has the most over-the-top acting style of the gang, and holds the dubious honor of delivering many of the movie’s worst jokes, including a gag based on yak puke.

To further illustrate the jokes’ low quality, here’s another example:

During a chase scene, a firecracker hits Jonathan in the tushy, and sets his pants on fire.

           

Rick: YOUR ASS IS ON FIRE! (Starts beating fire with his coat)

            Jonathan: SPANK MY ASS! (Repeat six times)

Jonathan, shortly before his ass got spanked.

The rest of the 65% comes from Rick and Evy’s forced delivery—at times the lines are so clunky that a pirouetting elephant would have been more eloquent by comparison. Perhaps their marriage would have had more sparkle if they’d laid off the clichéd double entendres. Let those poor entendres die in peace already, guys!

I’m not going to let Alex O’Connell off easy, either. Alex hits on Lin repeatedly, and the lameness of his pick-up lines was nothing to sneeze at.

Jet Li is easily the most interesting to watch in the latter portion of the movie. At times he gets a pained look on his face, as if he’s thinking, “Was I drunk when I agreed to do this movie?”

"I'm supposed to let BRENDAN FRASER beat me?!?"

Vitamin B-SFX: 30%

The special effects are nothing spectacular by Hollywood standards, though of a higher quality than a Syfy Original Movie. This movie’s biggest problem is its script, not the effects.

Though I have to say I found the Emperor’s “transformations” into various monsters pretty funny. The older of the Chinese women, Zi Yuan, stresses the Emperor’s ability to change into “the most hideous creatures ever seen” over and over again. Yet the creatures he changes into are actually pretty disappointing. I found myself thinking, “This was the most ‘hideous’ beast they could come up with?” 

Only three heads?

Vitamin Fun: 25%

You’ll quickly grow numb to the rapid-fire special effects, and the dialogue will leave you with a permanent facial tic. You may also find yourself fantasizing about different ways to kill Jonathan. (I rooted for the yeti to throw Jonathan off the mountain, but to no avail.)

Sugar: 15%

The amount of lameness flattens several potentially sugary subplots, which include Alex wanting to escape from his famous parents’ shadow, Alex trying to woo an immortal babe, and Rick and Evy rekindling the spark in their marriage.

Plot Fiber: 5%

The movie tries to make us swallow two implausible assertions:

           

1)   That the youthful-looking Brendan Fraser is old enough to have a twenty-something-year-old son, played by an actor who sometimes looks older than Fraser. Same goes for Maria Bello. 

Quick! Which is the father, which is the son?

 2)   That the schoolboyish Brendan Fraser could beat Jet Li. 

Of course, the only reason Fraser can accomplish #2 is thanks to the random magic in this movie. Evil emperor about to blast you to bits? Just call the yeti for help! But seriously, good luck keeping track of the roles played by the magic crystal, Shangri-La, the five elements, and the Great Wall in this magic “system.”

The other really implausible bit in the movie concerns the Chinese military’s plans to take over China with the help of an ancient emperor. The movie is set in 1946. The atomic bomb had been invented by then. Even if the emperor is all-powerful, wouldn’t nuclear weapons be troublesome for a clay army? Just asking…

Political and Pseudoscience Pills: N/A