The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl

For a long time, it appeared that I would never see this movie in its entirety. I caught tantalizing glimpses of its terribleness over the last few years. However, whenever I tried to watch the whole thing, the channel would go on the fritz. Apparently the TV was just too ashamed to show more than 30 seconds of the movie at a time.

A few years ago, I saw a review of “Sharkboy and Lavagirl” that provided some interesting background. The director’s son, Racer Rodriguez, a seven-year-old, came up with the story, and the director and another relative wrote the actual script. The critic nicely pointed out that maybe family films are meant to stay exactly where they belong…in the family. Such films should not be inflicted upon an unsuspecting public in a national release.

You might be thinking, “Aw, it was written by a seven-year-old. That’s so cute—a father/son film project! People shouldn’t pick on them for making a movie.” I DO think it’s great that Robert Rodriguez loves his kid enough to encourage his creativity and get in quality bonding time on a movie. However, remember the following: 1) adults wrote the final script, not the kid; and 2) this movie sucks even by kiddie flick standards.

Plot Summary

Max, a young boy with a fertile imagination, daydreams about two superheroes named Sharkboy and Lavagirl. Suddenly, Sharkboy and Lavagirl start to appear in Max’s real life, and they need his help to save their home world from an evil being. If Max can’t stop the evil being, Sharkboy and Lavagirl will die, along with their world. (The plot is more convoluted than this, but I have only so much space for the review. You’ll get the other tidbits as you read on.)

Nutrition Facts

Vitamin B-Acting: 95%

George Lopez wins the grand prize in this category, thanks to his hamminess, bug eyes and leaden pun delivery. He plays Mr. Electricidad, Max’s teacher, and appears as an evil TV on Sharkboy and Lavagirl’s home planet. The hamminess is interesting, to say the least, in its inconsistency. I’m guessing that Mr. Electricidad was originally intended to be a well-meaning but clueless teacher, but he comes off as someone who regularly goes trippin’. When he’s not zoning out, his overdone acting occasionally leads to unintentional creepy moments. Let’s just say there are times when Mr. Electricidad seems a little TOO interested in who has a crush on his daughter. 

"Now, now, Mr. Lopez, winning the Bad Acting Award is a HONOR! Don't be shy!"

 In the kid actor category, Lavagirl (Taylor Dooley) takes the prize for worst acting. None of the kids turn in Oscar-worthy performances in this movie, but at least the others generally have more than two facial expressions. Lavagirl’s expressions consist of “bored/happy” and “bored/put-out.”

Lavagirl bravely ponders life's mysteries while Mars prepares to crush her.

Vitamin B-SFX: 80%

Before I go into the special effects themselves, I have to name the one thing the script writers should have changed from the original story, if only to protect Racer Rodriguez from future humiliation.

What is the name of Sharkboy and Lavagirl’s home planet? Is it Jupiter, Klingon, Hoth, what?

No. It’s “Planet Drool.”

Yes. “Planet Drool.” The name bears absolutely no relation to what is actually on the planet, and it’s completely out of place with the names of places Max, Lavagirl and Sharkboy visit on the planet. Besides, it’s just plain stupid-sounding.

Speaking of planets, Drool is the star of the B-SFX show in this movie. Picture a planet with ‘90s-level computer graphics, a purple surface with occasional blobs of radioactive green goop, and a sky in which other planets like Jupiter seem alarmingly close to falling down, and you’ve got Drool. (See Lavagirl picture above for a "falling planet" example.) Everything is brightly colored, but clearly fake-looking. 

Jupiter bides its time, and keeps Max in its crosshairs...(evil laughter)

Now, I could see how a cartoonish environment would work for a film revolving around a child’s imagination. The problem is that it isn’t pulled off well here. The effects look too cheap.

I did like the cute sharks though. I wouldn’t have minded pet sharks when I was little! (They would have lived in the dollhouse, no doubt.)

Vitamin Fun: 25%

This is not a particularly fun movie to sit through. Though it’s only 90 minutes, it feels much longer. You could argue that the “What the Heck?” elements make for a few good derisive laughs, but the script is often very earnest and unsubtle in a way that will pain most viewers over age 12. Or possibly over age 10.

Sugar: 70%

(The Piano of Tears starts playing)

Will Max’s parents rediscover their love and keep from getting divorced?

Will Max convert the nasty bully to goodness? (sob…sob)

Will Max’s old robot Tobor ever work again, and stop creeping us out with his dismembered flying eyes and jaw?

Will Sharkboy ever find his father? (Piano tinkles out a few forlorn notes)

Finally…will Lavagirl “find” herself?

That last one comes out of nowhere about 45 minutes into the movie. Max has arrived on Drool, and he has to stop the evilness from spreading before it destroys Drool, Sharkboy and Lavagirl, and possibly himself. But wait—Lavagirl just HAS to know what Max wanted her purpose in life to be! She’s all depressed that she’s a force of destruction, and nobody likes forces of destruction. 

"I know the chocolate cake is trying to kill us now, Max, but why did you make me a PINK volcano?"

Personally, I think Lavagirl had it all wrong. She ought to take a page from the Hawaiian goddess of fire Pele’s book, and make all the lowly humans bow down before her. She could demand bottles of Kahlua as a sacrifice!

Plot Fiber: 15%

I had a hard time following the plot, even allowing for the heavy fantastical elements. For instance, a major plot point involves Max’s attempts to recollect the details of the Planet Drool he once imagined. To do this, he has to sleep, so he can “remember” the dreams he used to have. But often Lavagirl and Sharkboy prevent him from dreaming, because if his nightmares come true, they will happen on Planet Drool. But if Max can just find his dream journal, which will give him all the info he needs, why does he need to actively dream?

Confused yet? I sure was—before long I found myself wishing Sharkboy and Lavagirl would just make up their minds and either let Max sleep or not sleep. The movie script doesn’t really distinguish between dreams and imagination, which contributes to the confusing back-and-forth over dreaming vs. no dreaming. 

To his credit, Jacob Black...er, I mean Sharkboy, actually kicks some butt in this movie. 

 

 The other problem with the dreaming business is that it opens the plot to deus ex machina galore. Just when Max, Sharkboy and Lavagirl are in a pickle, Max can “dream” something that will save them.

Then there are the insane bubbles. I can only describe them as pinkish bubbles with watermelon-shaped mouths, perky eyes, and squeaky voices. They basically show up out of nowhere when Max and his friends are in jail, and they break them out of jail by squeaking and squeaking until Sharkboy goes into a frenzy and bites through the steel. Really. I’m not kidding.

The movie finally ends with Max back on Earth, his parents back together, Mr. Electricidad suddenly having been turned into a “better teacher,” and the nasty bully turned nice. Lavagirl settles into a nice volcano, and Sharkboy rules the oceans again. And I am still trying to figure out what those insane bubbles were…

Pseudoscience and Political Pills: Not applicable for this movie 

"And to cap off our Homicidal Celestial Body Tour, ladies and gentlemen, I give you...NEPTUNE!"