Attack of the Puppet People (1958)

If I had to describe this film in one sentence at gunpoint, I would say that it is the perverted great-uncle of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. But that comparison doesn’t adequately convey how disappointing this movie is. “Attack of the Puppet People” was clearly the name the studio cooked up in a desperate attempt to attract moviegoers. This movie does not contain puppet people. There is no attack. The snarling dog so prominently featured on the movie poster turns out to be totally lame. (It’s not even the same dog from the movie.) For that matter, there are no "doll dwarfs" or "crushing giant beasts," as per the byline from the poster. Or even big shiny knives.

Plot Summary

A dollmaker named Franz (John Hoyt) went nuts after his wife left him. (Don’t they all.) Since then, Franz uses a ray gun to shrink his secretaries, mailmen, salesmen, etc. into living dolls—think Barbie and Ken-sized creatures. 

 

 
When he’s not busy watching the “dolls” dance or holding creepy conversations with a little girl, Franz keeps the dolls in a state of suspended animation inside glass containers. (You kind of have to wonder what else he’s made the dolls do.) 

"Now let's spice things up a little..."

Two of the dolls, Sally (June Kenny) and Bob (John Agar), decide to break free from the maniac’s grip. Will their ant buddy save them from the giant evil scorpion? (Oh, sorry, got mixed up with Honey, I Shrunk the Kids for a second.)
 
Nutrition Facts

Vitamin B-Acting: 30%

The acting is pretty mediocre overall, with no particularly atrocious performances. (Except for the little girl, who was a classic obnoxious child actor.) But John Hoyt did a fair job of portraying a psychotic old man who is just one step away from full-blown serial killing. Or child molestation, in the little girl’s case.

Vitamin B-SFX: 80%

The movie came out in 1958, and I strongly suspect the effects looked dated and cheap even back then. The “giant” fire hydrant and scenery that appear when the “dolls” wander NYC’s streets are very fake. One can see where the photographic backdrops of NYC streets meets the studio floor. 

Featuring the floor of Studio 10!

The “dog attack” scene basically consists of Sally and Bob superimposed on footage of a snarling, barking dog. A giant box stands between them and the dog—the dog doesn’t even get really close to them. The Rottweiler (or Doberman?) on the movie poster was much more convincing, and it’s just a freakin’ drawing. 
 

They don't exactly seem terrified, do they?

The moviemakers avoided showing the actual shrinking procedure—they just give us shots of the ray gun, interspersed with droning sounds and bright lights. This ray gun looks a lot like the one in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, and a few of the “scientific” principles touted in both movies are similar. I can’t find any evidence that Honey paid homage to Puppet People in this respect, though (or else just “borrowed” the gun design).

Vitamin Fun: 60%

Despite the uncomfortable pedophilic moments, the hokiness of the movie makes for good heckle fuel.

Sugar: 10%

All of that 10% comes from the cloying performance of the little girl.

On a different note entirely, this movie never made me wish that I hadn’t popped off my Barbies’ heads when I was a little girl.

Plot Fiber: 5%

Imagine if the climactic scene between Buffalo Bill and Clarice Starling in The Silence of the Lambs had gone like so:

Clarice: “FBI. Your murderin’ days are over!”  
Bill: “Damn! Hey, can I at least keep the girl who’s in my pit o’ death right now?”  
Clarice: “No.”
Bill: “Oh, damn!”
Bill lets Clarice lead the senator’s daughter outside to safety. Then he feeds Precious some Bacon Bits. 

"Then Daddy's widdle baby can have a bubble bath!"

Anticlimactic, right?

The “climax” of Puppet People feels exactly the same way. Franz returns to his apartment after losing the “dolls.” Sally, now back to full human size, confronts him. Franz begs her not to leave him. She tells him that she’s going to the police, and walks out. And Franz LETS HER GO. No fight, not even any yelling. That’s IT. The film ends with Franz just staring at the door after Sally leaves. What a total gyp.

Night of the Lepus (1972)

Today we have a guest reviewer, Ralph the Killer Rabbit. He kindly offered to give us his unique perspective on Night of the Lepus:

All humans think bunnies are cute. This makes it extremely hard for a killer rabbit (Lepus homicidilis) to gain any respect. (Of course, looking like the average pet store bunny doesn’t help, even if we do sport sharp fangs and glowing red eyes.) But the U.S. killer rabbit population has never recovered from the insult that is Night of the Lepus.  

For ten generations now, we have cursed this film for turning us into laughingstocks.

Thanks to that film, humans now believe that:

Killer rabbits are the size of elephants.

If we really were that huge, we would have been hunted to extinction by now. Our small size enables us to kill quietly and quickly. My personal preference is for Chihuahuas and dachshunds—I’ve always been a dog rabbit, whereas my sisters generally prefer cats. Occasionally we band together to take down a small child.
 
Killer rabbits growl, snarl and roar. Bah! We move through grass as silently as a lioness moves through the savanna. Stealth is a predator’s best friend.

We have wimpy buck teeth that are usually covered in fake froth or bright orange, ketchupy “blood.”

Buck teeth disappeared long ago in Lepus homicidilis. Fangs make for much more efficient killing weapons. Which brings me to the next point...

Killer rabbits are undisciplined, wasteful predators.

The film depicts the rabbits as taking one bite out of a human, or crushing the human and leaving them otherwise untouched. A real killer rabbit would never let a bonanza like a full-grown human go to waste. Just like any real predator, we make sure to eat all the good bits—the internal organs, muscles, etc. Additionally, our mothers train us from birth in the arts of hunting and killing. Any kit that cannot hunt is immediately eaten by its littermates.

Thank you, Ralph! Now, the facts in a nutshell:

Nutrition Facts:

Vitamin B-Acting: 50%

Janet Leigh stars, and “Bones” McCoy makes a cameo. Most of the time the actors appear to be even more bored than the audience.

Vitamin B-SFX: 100%

As our friend Ralph has already mentioned, the blood effects are hilariously inept. The attempt to make the rabbits frightening by blowing up their size and using slo-mo/goofy camera angles fails, to say the least.

Vitamin Fun: 70%

“There is a herd of killer rabbits headed this way!” That’s really all you need to know.

Sugar: 0%

Plot Fiber: 0% 

The other version of the movie poster is also excellent--enjoy!

 

Leprechaun 3

 
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!
 
This is the lamest movie in the entire Leprechaun series. The most terrifying things in the film are the hair and clothing, and we get not one, but TWO leprechauns spewing verses for 90 minutes.

Plot Summary

The Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) winds up in Vegas. Through the typical it’s-in-the-script contrivances, a college boy, Scott (John Gatins) comes into the possession of Leprechaun’s golden shilling. Scott wins a fortune at the casinos thanks to the shilling, but Leprechaun wants it back. During a fight, Scott accidentally absorbs some of Leprechaun’s blood, and starts transforming into a Leprechaun. Can Scott and the buxom Tammy (Lee Armstrong) stop Leprechaun’s magic before Scott completes his transformation and is sentenced to a lifetime of hitting on women with dirty poetry?

Nutrition Facts

Vitamin B-Acting: 70%

The bad acting is more painful to watch and less fun in this installment, particularly by John Gatins. Actually, I had to feel sorry for the guy, considering he had to subject himself to repeating limericks like: 



There once was a lady of Totten
Whose tastes grew perverted and rotten.
She cared not for steaks
Or for pastries and cakes
But lived upon penis au gratin.
 


(Survival Tip: Keeping track of all the famous old dirty limericks that appear will make the movie more bearable—and it makes a natural drinking game!)

Lee Armstrong and the other actors don’t shirk on their bad acting, either. The Great Fazio, a hack magician played by John DeMita, and Loretta (Caroline Williams) are the best worst actors in this film. DeMita has no talent whatsoever, and Williams clearly was just having fun playing up her trashy character. 

Not as trashy as leopard print, but close, very close.

Vitamin B-SFX: 60%

The SFX looks cheap, and seems outdated even by 1995 standards, when this movie was released. The exploding fat suit is incredibly fake-looking. The killer sex robot is weirdly disappointing—that was the best Leprechaun could cook up? A relatively basic robot with a set of fake boobs taped to its chest?

At least we see some of the real things...

Vitamin Fun: 40%

The incessant rhyming got on my nerves, so down the rating goes. If it wasn't obvious by now, I hated this movie. I will give the writers their due—Vegas is a perfect setting for Leprechaun, and they certainly milked the setting for all it was worth.

Sugar: 0%

Why am I even bothering with this category for the Leprechaun series?

Plot Fiber: 20%

As usual, there are many, many problems with the script. However, I think it’s a better use of my time to conserve my Plot Fiber processing for Leprechaun 4 and 5. Those will be real challenges. Now I’m off to finish watching the first season of Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex!

Leprechaun 2

 

St. Paddy’s is coming up, and what better way to celebrate than with the Leprechaun series?

You may notice that I’ve skipped the original movie and gone straight to #2. The captioning got messed up on my Leprechaun copy, so my tribute to Jennifer Aniston’s original nose will have to wait. But the rest of the movies offer plenty to rip apart.

Plot Summary

Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) hasn’t had any in 1,000 years. (Really? There aren’t any fairy hookers in Ireland?) So when he hits his 1,000th birthday, he’s looking forward to claiming a lovely lass as his bride. The lass’ father, William O’Day, foils Leprechaun, and Leprechaun curses the family. On his 2,000th birthday, Leprechaun will claim O’Day’s descendant as his bride.

Fast forward to present-day LA, where the lovely Bridget (Shevonne Durkin) resides. Leprechaun drools over her assets and snatches her. Can Bridget’s would-be boyfriend, Cody (Charlie Heath), and his uncle (Sandy Baron) save her from the randy green critter?

Nutrition Facts

Vitamin B-Acting: 90%

This is not a series known for restrained acting.

It’s a tough call whether Sandy Baron, as drunky Uncle Morty, or Warwick Davis serves up more ham. The best scenes occur when the two of them are in the same room and feed off each other’s hamminess. 

Morty gains the advantage over Leprechaun in an argument about Irish vs. American whiskey.

Charlie Heath and Shevonne Durkin make a game attempt at ham, but they never had a chance against Baron and Davis.

One warning: if you hate grating voices, Leprechaun will drive you bonkers. (That settles it—I’m keeping Guinness close at hand while watching the other movies.)

Vitamin B-SFX: 30%

Nothing particularly cheesy, pretty standard SFX.

There is some gore—such as pulling out a gold tooth and biting someone’s finger off—but the goriest scene occurs largely off camera. Guys, be careful nuzzling into a woman’s chest. You never know when those lovely boobs might be disguised as a pair of spinning blades.

(I confess I’m a bit biased rating this installment’s special effects—I’m all too aware of what’s coming in Leprechaun 4…)

Vitamin Fun: 70%

Sandy Baron and the randy leprechaun plotline go a long way to making this movie bearable for those with a sense of humor.

I also enjoyed the “Darkside Tours” bit (Darkside is a schlocky tour of LA “death houses” run by Morty). The writers clearly enjoyed poking fun at LA’s tourist traps. Darkside Tours reminded me very much of Chicago’s “Untouchable Tours,” which consists of a black school bus taking tourists to the locations of notorious mobster hangouts and horrific crimes. Naturally, most of these places were destroyed long ago, so the tour guides have to resort to the same hokey showmanship that Cody and Morty display in the movie.

Sugar: 0%

Somehow, I really can’t pity Leprechaun for his inability to get laid. 

I feel your pain, Bridget...

Plot Fiber: 20%

My recollection of this series is that the writers change the leprechaun mythology at will to best accommodate whatever plot twists they desire. In the first movie, the plot made a big deal out of four-leaf clovers, which have the same effects on leprechauns as kryptonite did on Superman. In Leprechaun 2, four-leaf clovers are forgotten in favor of wrought iron, presumably because wrought iron offers more fun possibilities for killer weapons than wimpy four-leaf clovers.

For someone who is supposed to be so wily, the Leprechaun is a huge idiot. At the movie’s beginning, he right out tells William O’Day how to save his daughter from being claimed as Leprechaun’s bride. The ring Leprechaun binds around Bridget’s neck is impenetrable…until she picks one freaking rod out of the ring, which makes the whole thing fall apart. Sloppy, Leprechaun, very sloppy. Tsk tsk. 

Though he does have a cool kart.

And seriously, are there no fairy hookers in Ireland?

The Order

 
What happens when the cast and crew of A Knight’s Tale dump their sense of fun, and attempt to make a meaningful horror flick concerning religion? Without the assistance of a Queen soundtrack?

God help those who view the final product.

Plot Summary

What the DVD Cover Promises: “For centuries, a secret Order of priests has existed within the Church. A renegade priest, Father Alex Bernier (Heath Ledger), is sent to Rome to investigate the mysterious death of one of the Order’s most revered members. Following a series of strangely similar killings, Bernier launches an investigation that forces him to confront unimaginable evil and the terrifying knowledge that there is a fate worse than death.”

The Reality: “For centuries, a secret Order of priests has existed within the Church, but that doesn’t matter. The brooding Father Bernier goes to Rome after the obviously evil Cardinal Driscoll (Peter Weller—hereafter referred to as “Cardinal Robocop” in this review) asks Alex to investigate his mentor’s death. Some awful thing is about to happen in the Catholic Church, but the only thing that truly matters is whether Alex should sleep with his girlfriend, Mara (Shannyn Sossamon). A mysterious figure called the Sin Eater (Benno Furmann) finally convinces Alex to f*** Mara. Cardinal Robocop does not pull out any cool weaponry and dies a lame death. The promised battle with the evil, corrupt Catholic Church never materializes. In the end, viewers learn that Sin Eating actually looks like a pretty neat profession, despite the script’s paltry attempts to convince them that it’s a ‘fate worse than death.’”

(Well, I THINK that’s what the movie meant by ‘fate worse than death.’ It wasn’t entirely clear.)

Nutrition Facts

Vitamin B-Acting: 40%

Acting is the least of this movie’s problems—the script bears 90% of the responsibility for this movie’s B-ness. That said, the movie features three of the principals from A Knight’s Tale—Ledger, Sossamon, and Mark Addy. All three essentially play the same characters they did in A Knight’s Tale, except on depressants.

Reminiscing about Merry Olde England

Ledger is the hero trying to find his place in the world, Sossamon plays the hot romantic interest, and Addy plays the practical-minded sidekick. Onscreen, they look as if director Brian Helgeland told them, “This is a DEAD SERIOUS flick. This is MEANINGFUL shit we’re dealing with, man.” I would have laughed silly at the actors’ seriousness if I hadn’t been so bored with the “Should I sleep with my GF or not?” subplot.

Vitamin B-SFX: 20%

The special effects are decent in this movie. Fascinating, I never knew that sins took the form of evil jellyfish...

Vitamin Fun: 30%

At least 45 minutes of the movie went to the “Will they **** or not” subplot, thus squeezing out anything that might have been truly exciting, such as a midair shoot-out with Cardinal Robocop inside St. Peter’s.

"I told Helgeland we needed guns, but does he listen? No."

This is the sort of broody, unscary “horror” movie that TV stations show at 4 am when they need to fill up their schedules.

Sugar: 10%

I sure didn’t care about Alex’s spiritual struggle with his girlfriend, or his path to becoming a Sin Eater.

Plot Fiber: 20%

The script insists that a lot of things matter, but they don’t really. For instance, in the beginning we’re set up to expect a big battle with the Catholic Church. However, Alex’s struggles are largely personal, and don’t affect the Church. Even Cardinal Robocop’s fate seems to have no effect on the Church. The Sin Eater’s very presence is supposed to be terrible for the Church, but once again, it does not matter.

Speaking of the Sin Eater, I mentioned earlier the script’s assertion that to be a Sin Eater is worse than death. Let me explain why this is not so, according to what I saw in the film:

1) Sin Eaters are filthy rich and can do anything they want.

2) Sin Eaters are not immortal, but do not age and can quit when they want to.

3) Absorbing the sins doesn’t really do anything to the Sin Eater.

When performing the ceremony, the sin jellyfish enters the Sin Eater and gets absorbed into the S.E.’s body.

No comment...

Benno Furmann tells the audience that this process entails taking on all the awful burdens of the sin(s), but so far as I can see, absorbing a sin jellyfish gives you fantastic skin and turns you into a sharp dresser. If I could figure out how to bottle sin jellyfish, I’d become a millionaire overnight. (Hey, maybe that explains the Sin Eater’s wealth…)

"Those jellyfish are better than Botox. 500 years old and not a single line."

 

Supplements

Pseudoscience Pill: N/A

Political Pill: N/A

Yes, the movie does bash the Catholic Church. But it does so in such a generic, limp fashion that I’d feel ridiculous for attaching any true political significance to this idiotic movie.