Godspell (1973)

The programming over Easter weekend featured the old standbys, like Ben-Hur and The Ten Commandments (never mind that Passover is a Jewish holiday), but some unusual options appeared as well. Apparently Die Hard is now an Easter movie. Perhaps the logic went as thus:

Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

Easter is a holiday, like Christmas. 

Therefore, Die Hard is also an Easter movie. 

The damn egg hunts get harder every year.

TCM, for its part, decided to feature Jesus Christ Superstar and Godspell during the primetime slots on the night of Easter Sunday. Clearly someone has a sense of humor at TCM—though I will say that both movies make more theological sense as Easter selections than The Ten Commandments. Just barely. I had wanted to see Godspell for years after reading about it in the Golden Turkey Awards. When I saw it…well, read on.

Plot Summary

Jesus Christ (Victor Garber) prances about NYC in an afro and seriously creepy makeup with his “apostles.” 

 

In repertory theater style, Christ and the apostles act out various stories from the Gospel of Matthew, including the Prodigal Son, the Good Samaritan, and others, which I can’t remember now despite nine years in a Catholic school...

Nutrition Facts

Vitamin B-Acting: 100%

The entire movie comes off as a very bad repertory theater production. The ham jumps off the charts—overexaggerated expressions and gestures, stilted delivery, even rolling eyes. It gave me flashbacks of the touring theater groups that would sometimes visit my school. We had to sit through idiotic plays that shoved morals down our throats. The acting level in the movie was exactly the same as in those horrible plays.
 

Vitamin B-SFX: 80%

The SFX is almost nonexistent, but surely the giant mass of evil trash bags and recycled goods that served as the Pharisee qualifies for a high rating.

Vitamin Fun: 75%

The movie has so many ridiculous, laugh-out-loud moments. The hideous clothing! Victor Garber’s afro! The Holy Macrame Bra of Damascus! (Antioch already has the Holy Hand Grenade.) The unhindered expression of ART and LOVE and PEACE—with rainbows prominently featured! 

While watching, I got the feeling that my dear departed grandmother might have disapproved of this movie’s ‘60s sensibilities. She probably would have made my father and his siblings watch The Ten Commandments instead…again. Or Ben-Hur, or The Sound of Music.

But I digress. The numerous boring stretches and repetitive lyrics brought down the fun rating. After the actors sang “Prepare ye the way of the Lord” for the 15th time in a row (really), I was ready for them to move on. Most of the songs kill at least five minutes of movie time just by repeating the same lines ad nauseam.

Then there’s the whole repertory theater feel. The movie often seems to think its audience consists of children, and frankly, this movie would be an insult to the intelligence of children.

Sugar: 80%

The treacly, feel-good kind. You’re more likely to die from laughing than from choking on the sugar, though.

Plot Fiber: N/A

I’m not going to argue with the Bible. But I will say this: if Jesus Christ had looked like Victor Garber in this movie, Christianity would not have survived.

Yes, that is a heart on his forehead.

Attack of the Puppet People (1958)

If I had to describe this film in one sentence at gunpoint, I would say that it is the perverted great-uncle of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. But that comparison doesn’t adequately convey how disappointing this movie is. “Attack of the Puppet People” was clearly the name the studio cooked up in a desperate attempt to attract moviegoers. This movie does not contain puppet people. There is no attack. The snarling dog so prominently featured on the movie poster turns out to be totally lame. (It’s not even the same dog from the movie.) For that matter, there are no "doll dwarfs" or "crushing giant beasts," as per the byline from the poster. Or even big shiny knives.

Plot Summary

A dollmaker named Franz (John Hoyt) went nuts after his wife left him. (Don’t they all.) Since then, Franz uses a ray gun to shrink his secretaries, mailmen, salesmen, etc. into living dolls—think Barbie and Ken-sized creatures. 

 

 
When he’s not busy watching the “dolls” dance or holding creepy conversations with a little girl, Franz keeps the dolls in a state of suspended animation inside glass containers. (You kind of have to wonder what else he’s made the dolls do.) 

"Now let's spice things up a little..."

Two of the dolls, Sally (June Kenny) and Bob (John Agar), decide to break free from the maniac’s grip. Will their ant buddy save them from the giant evil scorpion? (Oh, sorry, got mixed up with Honey, I Shrunk the Kids for a second.)
 
Nutrition Facts

Vitamin B-Acting: 30%

The acting is pretty mediocre overall, with no particularly atrocious performances. (Except for the little girl, who was a classic obnoxious child actor.) But John Hoyt did a fair job of portraying a psychotic old man who is just one step away from full-blown serial killing. Or child molestation, in the little girl’s case.

Vitamin B-SFX: 80%

The movie came out in 1958, and I strongly suspect the effects looked dated and cheap even back then. The “giant” fire hydrant and scenery that appear when the “dolls” wander NYC’s streets are very fake. One can see where the photographic backdrops of NYC streets meets the studio floor. 

Featuring the floor of Studio 10!

The “dog attack” scene basically consists of Sally and Bob superimposed on footage of a snarling, barking dog. A giant box stands between them and the dog—the dog doesn’t even get really close to them. The Rottweiler (or Doberman?) on the movie poster was much more convincing, and it’s just a freakin’ drawing. 
 

They don't exactly seem terrified, do they?

The moviemakers avoided showing the actual shrinking procedure—they just give us shots of the ray gun, interspersed with droning sounds and bright lights. This ray gun looks a lot like the one in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, and a few of the “scientific” principles touted in both movies are similar. I can’t find any evidence that Honey paid homage to Puppet People in this respect, though (or else just “borrowed” the gun design).

Vitamin Fun: 60%

Despite the uncomfortable pedophilic moments, the hokiness of the movie makes for good heckle fuel.

Sugar: 10%

All of that 10% comes from the cloying performance of the little girl.

On a different note entirely, this movie never made me wish that I hadn’t popped off my Barbies’ heads when I was a little girl.

Plot Fiber: 5%

Imagine if the climactic scene between Buffalo Bill and Clarice Starling in The Silence of the Lambs had gone like so:

Clarice: “FBI. Your murderin’ days are over!”  
Bill: “Damn! Hey, can I at least keep the girl who’s in my pit o’ death right now?”  
Clarice: “No.”
Bill: “Oh, damn!”
Bill lets Clarice lead the senator’s daughter outside to safety. Then he feeds Precious some Bacon Bits. 

"Then Daddy's widdle baby can have a bubble bath!"

Anticlimactic, right?

The “climax” of Puppet People feels exactly the same way. Franz returns to his apartment after losing the “dolls.” Sally, now back to full human size, confronts him. Franz begs her not to leave him. She tells him that she’s going to the police, and walks out. And Franz LETS HER GO. No fight, not even any yelling. That’s IT. The film ends with Franz just staring at the door after Sally leaves. What a total gyp.

Night of the Lepus (1972)

Today we have a guest reviewer, Ralph the Killer Rabbit. He kindly offered to give us his unique perspective on Night of the Lepus:

All humans think bunnies are cute. This makes it extremely hard for a killer rabbit (Lepus homicidilis) to gain any respect. (Of course, looking like the average pet store bunny doesn’t help, even if we do sport sharp fangs and glowing red eyes.) But the U.S. killer rabbit population has never recovered from the insult that is Night of the Lepus.  

For ten generations now, we have cursed this film for turning us into laughingstocks.

Thanks to that film, humans now believe that:

Killer rabbits are the size of elephants.

If we really were that huge, we would have been hunted to extinction by now. Our small size enables us to kill quietly and quickly. My personal preference is for Chihuahuas and dachshunds—I’ve always been a dog rabbit, whereas my sisters generally prefer cats. Occasionally we band together to take down a small child.
 
Killer rabbits growl, snarl and roar. Bah! We move through grass as silently as a lioness moves through the savanna. Stealth is a predator’s best friend.

We have wimpy buck teeth that are usually covered in fake froth or bright orange, ketchupy “blood.”

Buck teeth disappeared long ago in Lepus homicidilis. Fangs make for much more efficient killing weapons. Which brings me to the next point...

Killer rabbits are undisciplined, wasteful predators.

The film depicts the rabbits as taking one bite out of a human, or crushing the human and leaving them otherwise untouched. A real killer rabbit would never let a bonanza like a full-grown human go to waste. Just like any real predator, we make sure to eat all the good bits—the internal organs, muscles, etc. Additionally, our mothers train us from birth in the arts of hunting and killing. Any kit that cannot hunt is immediately eaten by its littermates.

Thank you, Ralph! Now, the facts in a nutshell:

Nutrition Facts:

Vitamin B-Acting: 50%

Janet Leigh stars, and “Bones” McCoy makes a cameo. Most of the time the actors appear to be even more bored than the audience.

Vitamin B-SFX: 100%

As our friend Ralph has already mentioned, the blood effects are hilariously inept. The attempt to make the rabbits frightening by blowing up their size and using slo-mo/goofy camera angles fails, to say the least.

Vitamin Fun: 70%

“There is a herd of killer rabbits headed this way!” That’s really all you need to know.

Sugar: 0%

Plot Fiber: 0% 

The other version of the movie poster is also excellent--enjoy!

 

Leprechaun 2

 

St. Paddy’s is coming up, and what better way to celebrate than with the Leprechaun series?

You may notice that I’ve skipped the original movie and gone straight to #2. The captioning got messed up on my Leprechaun copy, so my tribute to Jennifer Aniston’s original nose will have to wait. But the rest of the movies offer plenty to rip apart.

Plot Summary

Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) hasn’t had any in 1,000 years. (Really? There aren’t any fairy hookers in Ireland?) So when he hits his 1,000th birthday, he’s looking forward to claiming a lovely lass as his bride. The lass’ father, William O’Day, foils Leprechaun, and Leprechaun curses the family. On his 2,000th birthday, Leprechaun will claim O’Day’s descendant as his bride.

Fast forward to present-day LA, where the lovely Bridget (Shevonne Durkin) resides. Leprechaun drools over her assets and snatches her. Can Bridget’s would-be boyfriend, Cody (Charlie Heath), and his uncle (Sandy Baron) save her from the randy green critter?

Nutrition Facts

Vitamin B-Acting: 90%

This is not a series known for restrained acting.

It’s a tough call whether Sandy Baron, as drunky Uncle Morty, or Warwick Davis serves up more ham. The best scenes occur when the two of them are in the same room and feed off each other’s hamminess. 

Morty gains the advantage over Leprechaun in an argument about Irish vs. American whiskey.

Charlie Heath and Shevonne Durkin make a game attempt at ham, but they never had a chance against Baron and Davis.

One warning: if you hate grating voices, Leprechaun will drive you bonkers. (That settles it—I’m keeping Guinness close at hand while watching the other movies.)

Vitamin B-SFX: 30%

Nothing particularly cheesy, pretty standard SFX.

There is some gore—such as pulling out a gold tooth and biting someone’s finger off—but the goriest scene occurs largely off camera. Guys, be careful nuzzling into a woman’s chest. You never know when those lovely boobs might be disguised as a pair of spinning blades.

(I confess I’m a bit biased rating this installment’s special effects—I’m all too aware of what’s coming in Leprechaun 4…)

Vitamin Fun: 70%

Sandy Baron and the randy leprechaun plotline go a long way to making this movie bearable for those with a sense of humor.

I also enjoyed the “Darkside Tours” bit (Darkside is a schlocky tour of LA “death houses” run by Morty). The writers clearly enjoyed poking fun at LA’s tourist traps. Darkside Tours reminded me very much of Chicago’s “Untouchable Tours,” which consists of a black school bus taking tourists to the locations of notorious mobster hangouts and horrific crimes. Naturally, most of these places were destroyed long ago, so the tour guides have to resort to the same hokey showmanship that Cody and Morty display in the movie.

Sugar: 0%

Somehow, I really can’t pity Leprechaun for his inability to get laid. 

I feel your pain, Bridget...

Plot Fiber: 20%

My recollection of this series is that the writers change the leprechaun mythology at will to best accommodate whatever plot twists they desire. In the first movie, the plot made a big deal out of four-leaf clovers, which have the same effects on leprechauns as kryptonite did on Superman. In Leprechaun 2, four-leaf clovers are forgotten in favor of wrought iron, presumably because wrought iron offers more fun possibilities for killer weapons than wimpy four-leaf clovers.

For someone who is supposed to be so wily, the Leprechaun is a huge idiot. At the movie’s beginning, he right out tells William O’Day how to save his daughter from being claimed as Leprechaun’s bride. The ring Leprechaun binds around Bridget’s neck is impenetrable…until she picks one freaking rod out of the ring, which makes the whole thing fall apart. Sloppy, Leprechaun, very sloppy. Tsk tsk. 

Though he does have a cool kart.

And seriously, are there no fairy hookers in Ireland?

The Order

 
What happens when the cast and crew of A Knight’s Tale dump their sense of fun, and attempt to make a meaningful horror flick concerning religion? Without the assistance of a Queen soundtrack?

God help those who view the final product.

Plot Summary

What the DVD Cover Promises: “For centuries, a secret Order of priests has existed within the Church. A renegade priest, Father Alex Bernier (Heath Ledger), is sent to Rome to investigate the mysterious death of one of the Order’s most revered members. Following a series of strangely similar killings, Bernier launches an investigation that forces him to confront unimaginable evil and the terrifying knowledge that there is a fate worse than death.”

The Reality: “For centuries, a secret Order of priests has existed within the Church, but that doesn’t matter. The brooding Father Bernier goes to Rome after the obviously evil Cardinal Driscoll (Peter Weller—hereafter referred to as “Cardinal Robocop” in this review) asks Alex to investigate his mentor’s death. Some awful thing is about to happen in the Catholic Church, but the only thing that truly matters is whether Alex should sleep with his girlfriend, Mara (Shannyn Sossamon). A mysterious figure called the Sin Eater (Benno Furmann) finally convinces Alex to f*** Mara. Cardinal Robocop does not pull out any cool weaponry and dies a lame death. The promised battle with the evil, corrupt Catholic Church never materializes. In the end, viewers learn that Sin Eating actually looks like a pretty neat profession, despite the script’s paltry attempts to convince them that it’s a ‘fate worse than death.’”

(Well, I THINK that’s what the movie meant by ‘fate worse than death.’ It wasn’t entirely clear.)

Nutrition Facts

Vitamin B-Acting: 40%

Acting is the least of this movie’s problems—the script bears 90% of the responsibility for this movie’s B-ness. That said, the movie features three of the principals from A Knight’s Tale—Ledger, Sossamon, and Mark Addy. All three essentially play the same characters they did in A Knight’s Tale, except on depressants.

Reminiscing about Merry Olde England

Ledger is the hero trying to find his place in the world, Sossamon plays the hot romantic interest, and Addy plays the practical-minded sidekick. Onscreen, they look as if director Brian Helgeland told them, “This is a DEAD SERIOUS flick. This is MEANINGFUL shit we’re dealing with, man.” I would have laughed silly at the actors’ seriousness if I hadn’t been so bored with the “Should I sleep with my GF or not?” subplot.

Vitamin B-SFX: 20%

The special effects are decent in this movie. Fascinating, I never knew that sins took the form of evil jellyfish...

Vitamin Fun: 30%

At least 45 minutes of the movie went to the “Will they **** or not” subplot, thus squeezing out anything that might have been truly exciting, such as a midair shoot-out with Cardinal Robocop inside St. Peter’s.

"I told Helgeland we needed guns, but does he listen? No."

This is the sort of broody, unscary “horror” movie that TV stations show at 4 am when they need to fill up their schedules.

Sugar: 10%

I sure didn’t care about Alex’s spiritual struggle with his girlfriend, or his path to becoming a Sin Eater.

Plot Fiber: 20%

The script insists that a lot of things matter, but they don’t really. For instance, in the beginning we’re set up to expect a big battle with the Catholic Church. However, Alex’s struggles are largely personal, and don’t affect the Church. Even Cardinal Robocop’s fate seems to have no effect on the Church. The Sin Eater’s very presence is supposed to be terrible for the Church, but once again, it does not matter.

Speaking of the Sin Eater, I mentioned earlier the script’s assertion that to be a Sin Eater is worse than death. Let me explain why this is not so, according to what I saw in the film:

1) Sin Eaters are filthy rich and can do anything they want.

2) Sin Eaters are not immortal, but do not age and can quit when they want to.

3) Absorbing the sins doesn’t really do anything to the Sin Eater.

When performing the ceremony, the sin jellyfish enters the Sin Eater and gets absorbed into the S.E.’s body.

No comment...

Benno Furmann tells the audience that this process entails taking on all the awful burdens of the sin(s), but so far as I can see, absorbing a sin jellyfish gives you fantastic skin and turns you into a sharp dresser. If I could figure out how to bottle sin jellyfish, I’d become a millionaire overnight. (Hey, maybe that explains the Sin Eater’s wealth…)

"Those jellyfish are better than Botox. 500 years old and not a single line."

 

Supplements

Pseudoscience Pill: N/A

Political Pill: N/A

Yes, the movie does bash the Catholic Church. But it does so in such a generic, limp fashion that I’d feel ridiculous for attaching any true political significance to this idiotic movie.

The Cat from Outer Space

(Or, Le Chat Qui Vient de L'Espace)
 
Yet another Christmas gift from my loving relatives—thanks, Mom! The Cat from Outer Space was one of my favorite movies when I was a wee sprite. It is a strange experience to watch an old favorite from childhood as an adult—usually I end up wondering how I managed to escape therapy. The Disney live-action “classics” were always corny, but Cat from Outer Space stands out for its sheer stupidity. It also promotes gambling as a cure-all for financial problems.
 
Plot Summary

Zunar J5, later renamed Jake, has to make an emergency landing on Earth. Jake possesses a collar that allows him to communicate with humans, and move things with the power of his mind. Jake then enlists the help of Frank, a physicist, and his friends to get enough gold to power his ship. Meanwhile, an enigmatic criminal named Mr. Olympus wants to get his hands on Jake’s collar, so he can use its powers to become filthy rich. Meanwhile, the military is trying to find Jake, and they act like complete idiots.
 
Nutrition Facts

Vitamin B-Acting: 80%

M*A*S*H fans will immediately recognize Harry Morgan and McLean Stevenson. Morgan plays General Stilton, who hates Russkies, Italians and intellectuals. Did you know that “IQs”—people like physicists, engineers and biologists—spend all their time on tennis courts? Neither did I, until Stilton enlightened me (“Get them IQs off their tennis courts!!!”).  

Stevenson plays Dr. Link, a scientist with a massive gambling addiction. At least 30-40 minutes of this 104-minute film is devoted to gambling: football, basketball, horse racing, and billiards. We also learn that using a magical feline to change the outcome of games to win bets is perfectly fine. Nothing but wholesome life lessons from Disney, yes sir! 
 

Never hide the fact that you're cheating--take pride in it!

Another familiar face is Roddy McDowall, who plays a spy for the mysterious Mr. Olympus. Mr. Olympus is best described as a Brigham Young lookalike in a black leather jacket. Mr. Olympus actually has a cave lair, and travels in a sleek black limousine with a vase of bright red tulips inside. Dr. Link gives us the only clue to Mr. Olympus’ identity: he’s a “power-crazed creep.” Frankly, all that’s missing is Mr. Bigglesworth.
 
In the final analysis, Jake the cat easily gives the best performance in this entire film—sleek, understated and elegant.

Vitamin B-SFX: 75%
 

Typical example of radioactive green

We are talking 1978 here, so the special effects are very dated by today’s standards. The colors of choice for any glowing effects are radioactive green, and a cross between Pepto-Bismol pink and fuchsia (“puchsia”?). The effects really don’t matter much—the cartoonish acting and forced script steal all of the limelight. 
 
Vitamin Fun: 60%

Juste ciel!
 
Well, you can stand this movie if:
 
A) You watch it with English captions and French subtitles on at the same time, as I did. The French adds a touch of class that the movie otherwise lacks.
 
B) You assume that Jake is thinking the following: “Note to self: Enslave all humans as revenge for being forced to wear this incredibly gauche collar.”

"Oh, and annihilate all dogs, too."

Sugar: 5%

This being a Disney flick, we have to sit through the inevitable romance between Jake’s helper, Frank, and the fashion-challenged token female scientist, Liz. (The ‘70s truly were a terrible fashion era.) Romance also ensues between Liz’s cat Lucybelle and Jake.

Plot Fiber: 0%

This 0% rating should be self-explanatory by now.
 
Supplements 
 

Pseudoscience Pill: 50%

Likelihood of choking: 100%

“You know where it’s really at, Jake? Electromagnetism.”

I had to laugh at that line—it sounds so much like the famous plastics line from The Graduate. But that line does sum up the “science” in the film pretty well. Frank and the other scientists read through a list of scientific terms in the first 20 minutes (“gamma rays, radio waves, electromagnetic spectrum, Van Allen belt…”), and then move on to gambling for the next 40 minutes.

At one point Frank mentions the “primal mainstream,” where apparently all the rays on the electromagnetic spectrum mingle happily, on different frequencies.

The primal mainstream will make you FLY...in more ways than one.

My first thought on seeing “primal mainstream” was “HIPPIE ALERT!” Jake’s collar taps into the “primal mainstream,” thus allowing Jake to talk to humans, fly around and do anything he wants.

Yeah right.

Political Pill: 40%

Likelihood of choking: 100%
The Cold War and Mafia references made by General Stilton are particularly charming nowadays, but the best moment of all comes at the end of the film.

We find out that Jake has applied for American citizenship. The judge has Jake recite the Pledge of Allegiance, and during the Pledge, Jake makes the judge float. Is this some grand message about patriotism being pushed by Disney? Or is Jake merely betraying his secret plot to take over the world?

Village of the Giants

 

I was in the mood for an anti-establishment movie, and I didn't feel like sitting through an endless movie like Billy Jack (though it holds a dear place in my B-movie heart).  So I decided to try a movie I'd never seen before. Let's just say that the image of a tiny man clinging to a woman's bikini top really tells you everything you need to know about this film's sophistication and grooviness.

Plot Summary

Genius (Ron Howard), a science wunderkind, accidentally invents “goo,” which turns anything that eats it into a giant. Fred (Beau Bridges) and his Groovy Crew of teenagers hear of the goo. They steal it and eat it, turn into giants, and proceed to take over tiny Hainesville. The Groovy Crew punishes the adults for their establishment, anti-hip ways. In the end, Genius discovers the antidote, the Groovy Crew flees, and Hainesville is happy and establishment once again.

Vitamin B-Acting: 70%

The actors don’t take this movie seriously--like that would even be possible. Even the little Ron Howard is in on the joke. This adds a nice easy feeling to the movie. I’ll freely admit that Genius was my favorite character—nerdy redheads with glasses rule! If only I could spout random chemical formulas as easily as Genius does...

"Aw, it was nothing! You just need some H2ONaClAuHeNAlCW."

The other highlight of the movie is watching a 24-year-old Beau Bridges strut around in a bright red toga and diaper. That alone makes the movie totally worth an hour and 20 minutes of anybody’s time. 

 

Of course they had giant sewing kits on hand. (Beau Bridges is at the left)

Vitamin B-SFX: 100%

A giant orange cat.

Giant ducks grooving to the Beau Brummels' "Woman."

Need I say any more?

Okay, okay, there is more. It goes without saying that nowadays the SFX in this movie is extremely dated--the movie came out in 1965. The moviemakers obviously superimposed “giant” beings onto the movie, and the effect is hilarious every single time.

The “capture” of Fred by the townspeople epitomizes the cheesiness of the special effects. The townspeople lure Fred out onto the streets. Then they zip around him in hot rods and muscle cars—my favorite was a neon yellow banana-shaped car with a surfboard. Meanwhile, someone offset feebly lobs ropes at Fred, who obliges by wrapping a few ropes around his body. The camera switches back and forth between a shot of Fred’s upper body and the cars zipping around, probably so they could avoid trying to edit the giant Fred into the overall scene. The best of all is that Fred could easily just stomp on the cars and people, but he doesn’t—he literally lies down and lets them “rope” him.

Vitamin Fun: 90%

It’s SO GROOVY, man! Between the far-out SFX and the corny 60s music, you’ll have a ball. (Though I could have done without listening to all of “Woman” two times.)

Groovy Near Eastern-type statues included.

Sugar: 0%

There is no sugar—only GOO, magnificent GOO!

Plot Fiber: 0%

There are so many ways to rip apart the plot holes in this movie, but I’m not going to bother this time. The movie doesn’t give a fig about science or logic. It just wants to make a “statement” about how dictatorial The Man is…in theory. I’m positive, though, that its primary reasons for existence were to provide a cheap vehicle (or hot rod, as the case may be) for sexual entendres, and to give teens a chance to make out at the drive-in.

"The Lord of the Rings"

Relax, it's the 1978 Ralph Bakshi version, not the Peter Jackson trilogy. (And in case you're wondering, the DVD cover for the Bakshi version really did put quotation marks around the title. I think it's quite fitting, personally.) 

Overcompensating much, Gandalf?

Since the last Harry Potter movie is coming out next weekend (well, the first part anyway), I thought I'd mark the occasion by reviewing an "epic" movie for this post.   

Since this is an animated film, I've substituted the "Vitamin B-SFX" category with "Strangimation."

Plot Summary

Have you really not heard of Lord of the Rings by now? 

Okay, here's the plot: Frodo the Hobbit comes into possession of an all-powerful, evil Ring. The Dark Lord Sauron wants the Ring back so he can take over Middle Earth. Frodo must travel to Sauron's land, Mordor, and destroy the Ring by throwing it into the fires of Mount Doom. Frodo has only a small company of Hobbits, Elves and Men to help him through the journey. 

Nutrition Facts

Strangimation: 100%

Bakshi relied on Rotoscoping, a method of drawing animation over live-action film. The combination of light and heavy Rotoscoping was an intriguing premise, but it did not serve Lord of the Rings well. It’s not just that the animation method LOOKS strange, but Bakshi made a lot of stylistic decisions that were just plain odd.

For instance, the animation of the main characters switches back and forth between light and heavy Rotoscoping. There’s no good reason for the switcheroos. It’s also more confusing, because when the characters are in heavy Rotoscope form, it’s much harder to tell them apart and they melt into the background. 

Gandalf--light Rotoscoping on left, heavy Rotoscoping on the right

 

Another example of heavy Rotoscoping--from left to right: Gimli, Legolas, and one of the Hobbits

The Rotoscoped characters in this film often don’t look like they’re part of the environment. There are several moments when lightly Rotoscoped characters appear to be floating in midair, as though someone just Photoshopped them onto the background.

The Ringwraiths caught in a Photoshop moment

Enough of generalities—let’s look at specific instances of heavy Rotoscoping problems.

The Orcs always appear in heavy Rotoscoped form, and always with hilarious effect. They usually have bright red eyes and fake fangs drawn on top of the Rotoscoping: 

Because the heavy Rotoscoping is so faithful to the live-action contours, you can clearly see that the actors are wearing pig and gorilla masks.

But the most priceless heavy Rotoscoping moment of all is the Balrog. It consists of a half-naked man wearing a lion’s head, flimsy Halloween bat wings, and bedroom slippers:

"WHO TOOK MY BUNNY SLIPPERS?!?" (Whip cracks)

The heavy Rotoscoping is not to blame for all the bizarre aspects of the animation in this movie, though. The light Rotoscoping characters give us plenty to mock, as well.

Give me Viggo Mortensen any day.

In general, the characters are always moving, and their contours seem to shift constantly. I found their eyes particularly distracting--in the beginning of the film, their pupils seem to shrink and grow. The constant movement makes it feel as if you're watching a quivering mass of Jell-O blobs at times.

The Ringwraiths look like Jawas, with their brown robes and glowing red eyes. Interestingly, they also appear to be wearing slacks and leather shoes under their robes, as if they took off five minutes from work to film.

A really, really lost Jawa.

My personal favorite: Boromir the Viking, in a MINISKIRT!

"But I NEED the Ring to complete my look!"

Finally, we get treated to several light shows from the wizards and elves, including one that was apparently created by a disco ball. The wizards and elves also enjoy shooting lame sparks of colorful lightning from their hands for no reason.   

Drugs had to be involved somehow.

Vitamin Fun: 80%

Plenty of WTF to keep snarkers occupied! Good thing, too, since this movie goes on for almost 2 ½ hours.

Sugar: 0%

Plot Fiber: 20%

Bakshi tried to do the impossible—cram in material from two long, dense books (Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers). As a result, this version has a very choppy, episodic feel, especially during the last half. Character development is nonexistent. If you’ve never read the books or watched the Peter Jackson movies, you’re likely to have trouble figuring out why certain things happen or characters behave the way they do. 

I only know the story from the Peter Jackson movies--I never got beyond Fellowship of the Ring in the book series. For extensive details on the adaptation problems and the soundtrack issues, check out this review.

A Ringwraith in one of the more LSD-inspired scenes.

Omen Series Recap

Hello readers! 

The reviews will be back to normal next weekend. My work blew up this weekend (yes, I have a job--I don't just sit around watching B-movies 24/7, though I sometimes wish I could), and the Syfy movie I was thinking of reviewing turned out to be a little too competent to qualify for the blog. 

On the bright side, Syfy is having a Shark Movie Day today, including Sharktopus! If you have some time this afternoon, check it out!

Without further ado, here's a recap of the gloriously stinky Omen series...

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS INSTALLMENT

5. The Omen (1976)

4. The Omen (2006)

3. The Omen III: The Final Conflict

2. Damien: Omen II

And the winner is...

The clowns and New Age put this one on top.

WORST DAMIEN

4-5. Sam Neill/Asia Vieira (tie)

3. Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick

2. Harvey Stephens

And the winner is....

Jonathan Scott-Taylor, AKA "Desolate One, Jr."

STUPIDEST SATANIC KILLING METHOD

The Omen (1976): Beheaded by glass plate truck

Damien: Omen II: Sliced in half by Elevator of Doom

Omen III: The Final Conflict: The super-elaborate gun suicide setup, dreamed up by a Rottweiler

Omen IV: The Awakening: Beaned by Hell's Wrecking Ball

The Omen (2006): Death by excessive symbolism

The stupidest of all: Elevator of Doom

MOST OVERUSED SYMBOL

The Omen (1976): Rottweilers

Damien: Omen II: Raven

Omen III: The Final Conflict: Nothing in particular

Omen IV: The Awakening: Upside-down crosses

The Omen (2006): The color red

The most overused of all: Omen IV, for the upside-down crosses

"Thank you for tuning into the Omen series on Vitamin B-Movies!"